Sunday, February 23, 2014



0. Definitions

"Baptism" refers to the overall rite of Holy Baptism, defined as sacrament by which God adopts us as his children and makes us members of the Church, as well as section three of this EULA

"Celebrant" is the leader of the service, a person having previously accepted this EULA

"God" is the Christian God, as framed by law and statute laid down in the Hebrew texts and Apostle's Creed. For purposes of this EULA, God is also defined as Trinitarian (Three-in-one), in the parts of God the Father, God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit. God d.b.a. YHWH. "Rebellion" is defined as going against the will of God. "Evil" is defined as that which is against the will of God. God the Son (Jesus Christ) is considered for these purposes as having salvatory power, saving later defined persons from the temptations of rebellion and evil.

"Church" refers to the total of those who have pledged themselves to the service of God (previously defined). "Congregants" are a physical gathering in one place for the purpose of witnessing the legal binding nature of Baptism, as a "Congregation."

"Sacrament" - one of the binding rites of God

"Candidate" - the person or persons seeking the Sacrament of Baptism. Children (those under 13) may be candidates provided a congregant is willing to serve as personal representative and speaker for said child, while also promising to personally assist child in fulfilling the EULA terms as set out henceforth until said child reaches his or her majority, at which time the personal representative will maintain the responsibilities set out in section 2 of this agreement.

"Apostles' Creed" -  7th c. statement of belief, predated by the older "Roman Creed." Please refer to or other similar source. Minor variations in text have no bearing.

This EULA uses "they" as it's gender-neutral pronoun.

1. Renunciation and Acceptance

By accepting the Sacrament of Baptism, Candidate renounces those forces of evil and rebellion in the world, including, but not limited to, wrath, greed, sloth, pride, envy, gluttony, worship of idols, murder, dishonesty, theft, blasphemy. Candidate also agrees that in turning from evil, they are turning toward the love of God, acknowledge the salvatory power of God the Son, trusting that it will be sufficient, and that they will obey the will of God, as set forth in the understanding of the church. (This understanding is considered to be evolving and various, and definitions are somewhat slippery. The Church recommends study, thought, and prayer as guidance, as well as membership in a Congregation for further illumination of the Will of God.) Children may have a representative speak on their behalf. Candidates may ascribe to the principles of the Apostles Creed as statement of the beliefs of the Church.

2. Witnessing

Congregants affirm that they acknowledge the Candidates' renunciation. They, as the representative body of the Church are bound with the responsibility to assist Candidates in fulfilling parts 1-3 of this EULA. This is a personal and corporate responsibility.

3. Baptism

Candidate agrees to the use of water in this cleanliness ritual by celebrant, washing away the old and creating the candidate as a member of the congregation. Said water shall be applied to the candidate by sprinkling (a few droplets), by pouring over candidates head, or by immersing candidate fully in water prepared by celebrant. Celebrant invokes this EULA and the witnessing of God Tripartite, and by agreeing to this application of water, Candidate agrees to all terms and conditions herein.

4.  Redemption

God, as author of this EULA, acknowledges that with the completion of section 3, Candidate is a Child of God and this relationship cannot be dissolved. God's portion of this contract involves acknowledging the impossibility of Candidate maintaining sections 1-3, and therefore requesting only that Candidate try. God agrees to accept Candidate, always and forever, in all circumstances, even unto and past death of the corporeal form of Candidate. God may, at any time, invoke this EULA as God sees fit, using whatever methodology God decides is appropriate to remind Candidate that said EULA is in effect.

5. Termination

This agreement shall not expire nor can it be broken by either party. Candidate may choose to not abide by the terms of the contract; however, God maintains the right to invoke this EULA at any time. This contract is legally binding in all jurisdictions which acknowledge it's validity, physical and ephemeral. Negation is not possible, and termination is non-existent, even after candidate looses corporeal form. By having agreed to section 3, or having it agreed to on a child's behalf (children must confirm contract terms upon reaching age of reason [13] or their legal majority), the application of water in section 3 is eternal, even if candidate leaves congregation or no longer ascribe to belief in the principles of the Church, and thus redemption terms of this contract are assured.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, the things that result from an idle conversation about whether a bris constitutes voiding the warranty or sending in the registration card...